Snacks Between Meals: Sexyland

At work, we're having a Biggest Loser competition, and I've decided to enter.  I've always been a bear in the winter months (eat more, sleep more, grow more body hair), but this year has been especially bad.  At 168 pounds, I'm heavier now than I have ever been. (You know it's bad when wearing a tie gives your neck a muffin top.)  If I don't do something about it soon, I won't be any use on the dragon boat team this summer except as ballast.

Also, Alison has been skating much more lately, has shed a lot of weight, and is enjoying the confidence (and men's glances) that has come with it.  She has been trying to get me to eat better and exercise so I can "join her in Sexyland."

Yes, she actually said Sexyland.

The problem with an invitation to move to Sexyland by one of its self-proclaimed residents is that I don't really find the idea of obtaining citizenship all that motivating.  You see, I already know someone from Sexyland, and she often visits me in Dumplingtown.  (And yes, those visits can include the conjugal variety.)  So, if Alison is already willing to go slumming with a denizen from the dark and seedy (well, pudgy anyway) underbelly of Dumplingtown without me having to give up the other women in my life (i.e. Little Debbie, Sara Lee, and Dairy Queen), why would I want to emigrate?  

Besides, even after I lose the extra pounds, I still expect to be stopped at Sexyland's borders. 

Sadly, no amount of weight loss cures homely.

Snacks Between Meals: The Beatles vs Cheese

There has been a serious debate going on in our house over the past couple of weeks.  I'm not sure how it started, but it keeps resurfacing over dinner, in the car on the way to school, during commercials while watching TV.  I wish I could say it's an unusually strange topic, but around here this kind of thing is pretty typical.

The question is: The Beatles or cheese?

No, cheese isn't some indie band with an all too clever lower-cased spelling.  We're talking about cheese cheese, the dairy product.  So, the question really comes down to: if you had to choose between the existence of solid milk foods or the seminal britpop band, which would you choose?  And not just for yourself, either.  The losing item gets wiped from all humanity, past, present, and future.  (The Gregsons only argue when the stakes are really high.)

Duncan has basically taken a Swiss stance (the country, not the cheese) and hasn't completely committed to one side or the other, and Alison just thinks it's a stupid question.  (Whatever that means.)  Will comes down strongly on the side of The Beatles, but has always been a bit unenthusiastic about cheese.  I think it's a texture thing.

Me?  I believe The Beatles are the most influential and staggeringly talented band to ever hit the airwaves.  But this is cheese we're talking about!  Can you imagine a world without cheesecake?  Without pepper jack, brie, or asiago?  Without nachos, pizza, or lasagna?  Sorry, Fab Four, you say hello, but I say goodbye.

I don't make this decision lightly.  The musician in me almost weeps at the thought of never hearing "Let It Be" or "Come Together" again, but I did consider all the facts:

Viable Substitutes

• The Beatles = The Monkees (I could almost live with that)
• Cheese = Soy Cheese (hell no)

Cultural Significance

• The Beatles = 20 number one singles in the US, 17 in the UK, covered by thousands of performers (very significant, except maybe for Ringo)
• Cheese = "Cheesecake" by Louis Armstrong, "That's Amore" by Dean Martin,...um...the Pizza Hut Theme Song? (fine, The Beatles win this one)

Effects of Aging

• The Beatles = of the four, only McCartney is aging well, and Ringo is faring the worst (and that's even considering the other two are dead)
• Cheese = the best cheese just gets better with age (none of The Beatles look appetizing with mold on them)

Therefore, when it comes down to a choice between The Eggman or cheese omelets, I will find a way to live in a world lessened by the loss of the profound artistry of "I Am The Walrus".  

Besides, I don't think I have anything to worry about.  Yoko Ono has been a vegetarian for decades, and I still have no problem finding a cheeseburger.  The Beatles?  Less than 18 months after Yoko's appearance, The Beatles were toast.

Long live Gouda!  (Goo goo g'joob.)